At nine years old, I won a public speaking contest and during the process became fascinated by another winner, a few years older than I. He told a harrowing story of family addiction. At home, I began to write about that – knowing nothing about it personally, just coming from deep in my imagination. My teachers and parents, curious, just let me go. Then I stopped.

In high school, I had the coolest assignment. My fav English teacher Mr. Benbow (who would later die of cancer) brought us lyrics from a Bruce Springsteen album.

Our task: in one night, write a fictional story based on the themes of the lyrics – in the order that they were given. It was the most exhilarating assignment. I mined places inside myself I’d never been. Much to my surprise, I got an A+. It would be decades before I wrote like that again. I wanted to be a dentist.

“Sooner or later something seems to call us onto a particular path… this is what I must do, this is what I’ve got to have. This is who I am.” – James Hillman

At university, I majored in Biology because it was practical. Followed it by an English major. Bio was tough. English came easy. I had noted author Josef Škvorecký as a prof, who gave me my second A+ for an essay I wrote. When I graduated from university, my first job was as a banking coordinator for $23,000 a year.

As a banking coordinator, my task was keeping the records straight for about 100 shell companies and 300 retail locations in an environment of foolhardy growth and constant mergers. In retrospect, I actually learned a lot about corporate and legal structure in that job. And – it inadvertently returned me to writing.

“The circumstances, including my body and my parents, whom I may curse, are my soul`s own choice and I do not understand this because I have forgotten.” – James Hillman

The company for which I worked sold off all of its divisions in the late 80’s (we were dealing with ‘special loans’ at two major banks – talk about hell on wheels). Shortly after I left, the company built by a father and three sons would become insolvent. The day after the papers were served, its founder committed suicide.

When I returned to my writing, all of that was years away. At a finance meeting for the parent company, the CFO asked: We’re thinking about doing a newsletter for employees – anyone interested? I raised my hand.

“We carve out risk-free lives where nothing happens.” – James Hillman

I didn’t really understand business, though I was an accountable type, had initiative and picked up fast. I was a communications newbie. Embarassing when I think about it now. Yet without assistance or training, I wrote articles, learned desktop publishing from a book, coordinated printing and hired a student who helped me stuff envelopes. It was the beginning of my illustrious career.

But while writing in corporate was good, it wasn’t enough. The seeds of my soul weren’t finished with me yet.

It’s the late 90’s now and I’m a communication consultant in benefits and pensions. I was broken open in 1996 while doing my MBA (a.k.a. was romantically devastated) and the writing that came out of me… um, wasn’t corporate. Business was no longer a shield. In fact, it never was. I was horrified. My soul smiled.

It was, as a friend’s T-shirt says: AFLU (a.k.a. another freakin’ learning opportunity).

“Depression opens the door to beauty of some kind.”
James Hillman

Again and again in my life, I chose science, business and the ether of the mind over the exhilaration of my heart and my urge to express. Again and again, I turned my back.

At age 10, I might have gone deeper in my writing. Again at 17. Again at 21. Again at 31. I turned away. The lessons got bigger.

Now over to you – What gifts have you turned your back on? What messages have you received about them? Have you ignored them? Or embraced them?

Will you follow the whispers of your soul? Or succumb to the ether of the mind? Will you resist (at the peril of your heart)? Or will you allow?

“It’s important to ask yourself, How am I useful to others? What do people want from me? That may very well reveal what you are here for.” – James Hillman

I believe that while my story was written when I was a child, I was always at choice. It’s not fate. I was never a victim, even as I faced pain. My life was a result of the the millions of meta-choices I made on the way to being a writer. Not just a writer… but a writer from the heart.

With each obstacle, my rigidity softened. When I began to truly allow (some call this surrender), the richness of life returned to the home that is my heart, and I knew that I will never, ever be alone again and that even in dark moments which are completely human, I will also experience the glow of dawn.

My foray into a new path, this writing realm of love, is an outer frontier. As the last shreds of resistance fall away inside me, I realize that this is why I am here.

This may change, of course. At some point, I may choose something else. But for today, this is where I want to be.

I maintain my business life, and my wonderful freelance clients. I’m busy. Because what I have found is that when I fix my heart onto a goal that is exhilarating to me… business supports it. Unlike when I make business my center. That’s my path. Yours is different.

Today, when I sit down to write I can hardly keep up with my thoughts. Georgian Bay’s mercurial personality shows off in a shimmering prism of blues. I’ve been tending to my folks who have needed my support recently.

Because of my most recent choices, I can freely be here for my dad who’s waiting for my mom to come home. And, I can work – both for myself, and for my clients.

For the past week, Dad and I have started the day slow. We get caught up with some writing (me) and repairing (him). Then we visit the hospital an hour away.

Surrounded by these walls of childhood, I reflect upon where I’ve been and the people that I’ve truly connected with. I am also aware of the relationships I wish to deepen, and those I’ve chosen to leave behind.

I recall endings overdue and premature, and the possibility of re-connecting anew, with souls whose hearts are as open and curious as mine.

Folks from this life. Many from past lives, too.

This is the last issue of IDEAS you’ll receive from me. Thank you for being part of my journey. It was an honour to share with you.

Though IDEAS may be winding down, I will continue to write from the heart. Just in a slightly new direction.

If you’re called to keep in touch, it’s easy, fast – and I’d be delighted. There’s much more to come.

http://tinyurl.com/moondancing

WikiLeaks. Whistleblowers everywhere. Wildly intriguing to me: people living full-out with positive intention based on their own inner compass. In the case of Whistleblowers, at great risk.

“It’s difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.” – Upton Sinclair

Julian Assange has my respect. In my view, he creates a critical tension between those that have power and those that don’t. Tension that I believe is essential to preserve institutional integrity.
 
As an astrologer, I ponder trends. For the next thirteen years we’re in what’s called a Pluto in Capricorn transit. Pluto is about death and re-birth. It loves ferreting out the dead wood and taking out the trash. Especially around the abuse of power. Capricorn is about the structure of government and business. In its highest form it’s the integrity-driven father to us all. I can’t and won’t predict. But with what’s going on right now, I have to say: the revolutionary in me is kinda charged.

“Power always thinks it has a great soul and vast views beyond the comprehension of the weak.” – John Adams

I watched an incredible documentary this month called The Cove which won the Academy Award for Best documentary in 2009. Maybe you’ve seen it? You may also have received an email photo from the film that went viral last year: gut-wrenching stuff.

In The Cove, I was quite taken with 60-ish dolphin activist Ric O’Barry. He has these translucent eyes that convey deep emotion and conviction. He spent the first ten years of his career working for the sea-world industry (caught and trained the four dolphins that played ‘Flipper’) and the last 35 years working to undo the damage that industry has done. Each day, his beliefs guide him.

He was inspiring and magnetic to watch. I began to wonder: is there anything that I feel that strongly about? Would I? Could I? I don’t know, I’ve never been tested in the same way. I haven’t been called to be an activist. But I hope that up against a wall: I could.

“Action expresses priorities.” – Mohandas Gandhi

A humanitarian-minded friend who was re-shaping his career said once that he hoped that he would have the capacity in his heart to get down on the street and look into the eyes of a homeless man who needed his help. I understood what he meant.

It’s one thing to work in a windowed office, organize a fund drive and throw money at a charity. It’s another to work in the trenches, to feel what’s really going on. And to ensure that the money that’s given gets to the people who really need it – instead of getting stuck in a massive ball of red tape or used to pay the bonuses of windowed office people.

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” – Abraham Lincoln

Now not everyone’s here to be Julian Assange, or even work on the streets with the homeless. If you have the heart of an activist, you likely already know that about yourself. The questions for the rest of us become:

What *do* I feel strongly about?
What am I sick of swallowing in silence?
What sacred cows are begging to be slayed in my company, my department, my family, my relationship?
Have I checked in lately with my inner compass of integrity?
How does it jive with my reality?

“The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.” – Albert Einstein

Imagine if we all befriended our inner revolutionary. What small shifts could be made in each of our lives… to usher in a new collective experience for the planet? Like asking tough questions. Like acknowledging the elephant in the room. Like being accountable and demanding accountability, too.

How can we use that revolutionary inside us all to put gadzllions of small energetic shifts out there so that it’s harder for those scary power-abusing folks to thrive? Tiny shifts that will accumulate like a tsunami, increasing the probability that here on earth, an increase in Power most often Aligns with an increase Integrity and Compassion.

Crooked Titans, self-interested institutions and sick systems will at first  fight harder to survive and in the end will go the way of Pluto, collapsing and re-forming.

Quietly, we’ll remember that it all started inside our hearts: a collective song buoyed by our inner revolutionaries.

- Karen M. Black  BSc, MBA
Award-winning writer, karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
Toronto, Canada

“Every path has its puddle”  – Proverb

Sometimes indeed, the turbulence is temporary. Other times, the blustering tells of the hurricane to come.

Endings as wake-up calls

When our soul wants to get our attention, it may whisper. If we’re not tuned in, then it may lovingly create for us massive wake-up calls that we can no longer ignore.

These are the types of endings that descend out of nowhere, shattering our lives like a thunder clap. External forces appear to be the culprit. Or were the signs there all along? These are the jobs that we should’ve left years ago. Or the relationships. Or the health-symptoms we chose to ignore.
 
Endings as forgiveness

Some endings slap us. Some are conscious and kind. Others fade away, leaving us haunted.

“Everything. Everyone. Everywhere. Ends.”  – HBO series series: Six Feet Under

Relationships may end permanently, or [I believe] until our next incarnation. Or they may die in their current form – so that they can be re-born. With each, we are called to explore the complex layers of our hearts. Our ability to forgive. Our ability to flow.

Endings such as death beyond our control, may usher in dark nights of the soul. What we can we do today? Tend to those relationships we have. Ask: Are we okay? If not: Are we complete? If tension or separation prevents asking in person, ask anyway. Listen for the answers.

Endings as transformation

I’ve found tools like astrology and numerology helpful in indicating areas of life ripe for new beginnings. These esoteric tools have helped me avoid, or bounce back quickly from clock-stopping ‘wake-up calls’.

Speaking of new beginnings, what do you know about the Scorpio? Sexy? Intense? Wears black? Yes. It also symbolizes death and re-birth.

Scorpio is also something else. It’s healing and transformative. It ‘takes out the garbage’ and discards what no longer works. Moondance is a Scorpion book, for example, written when I was navigating the currents of profound inner change. My world hasn’t been the same since.

“The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” – W.M. Lewis

As part of the normal course of life, a time may come (again?) when your beliefs are no longer working for you. Often this feels like a personal crises. Everything we previously stood for is suspect! However, we own our beliefs – they don’t own us. At any time, you can choose to end the ones that prevent you from growing into who you really are… and who you want to become.

Endings as evolution

Sometimes, as with many things in life, endings are a catalyst for evolution. Personally, I believe that the yawning gap between philosophic views in the world will continue to widen, just as the inevitable tension this creates will escalate. My thoughts? Perhaps it’s the all or nothing win-lose philosophies which must die. Said outcome? Still emerging.

Endings as dream fulfilment

If your soul [insert your own word] really, really wants you to experience something new, the signs will surround you. You are always at choice. Your answer will carry weight. Your silence will, too. So will your ambivalence.

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.” – Napoleon Hill

We rarely dive in happily to endings. But when faced with a rising tsunami of change, we can choose to fight or to flow. At fight, we endanger our health, drain and harden our hearts and say ‘flick you’ to our souls. At flow, we summon great courage. When we do, we find that the waters do recede, and in time, our shores become honed, open and receptive. We’ve learned to allow.

“Go for it now. The future is promised to no one.” – Wayne Dyer

Allow yourself to be nudged toward a way of life you’ve always wanted, but has always eluded you.

Allow yourself to be drawn to people whom you may grow to love, or to deepen the connections you have.

Allow yourself to be ushered into a new way of living that is fulfilling beyond your wildest imaginings.

Allow endings to help you transform decades of ‘what if…’ and ‘if only’ into ‘OK then! I guess it’s now…’

Over my life, I’ve honoured endings many times, in many ways. I’m planning to say goodbye yet again, the result of seeds planted almost 18 months ago. A new beginning of sorts. I’m excited about my new direction! I’m looking forward to sharing more in the fall.

Until then, honour your tides. Follow your currents. For at the mouth of the river you travel, lies unexplored oceans of possibility. Waiting just for you.

- Karen M. Black, Toronto
MBA, author and karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
www.karenmblack.com

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” – Woody Allen

An old friend flew home from Europe to see her mom. Post-volcano, she was able to re-book around Mother’s Day, joining her family in our hometown. Together, her grown siblings learned to love their mom in a new way, frail in a hospital bed. As their mom’s house was recently sold, we all spent time at the Black family cottage.

I am not drawn to battle of the sexes talk. I find it divisive and can even get a bit bristly about it. Yet, I got thinking about the role of mother energy in our lives. It’s capacity for connection and strength.  A wellspring available – not only to women. Its potential for business and of course, the business of life.

At work, this energy creates trust during a negotiation. Makes a referral that feels right. Enhances the client service experience. Cares about employees. Makes a client birthday call. Gets involved with a cause. Gives back. Sends flowers. It leads from the heart. Creates a safe haven. Inspires others to follow. Mother energy demonstrates strength and power, rather than wields it.

A Mother’s strength

“A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” – Agatha Christie

I think of my own mom, who’s lost so many loved ones and faced cancer, and remains one of the most unrelenting optimists I know. I think about a woman whom I was honoured to meet in April while assisting at a retreat. Not even 50, with five children and nine grandchildren, a fiercely protective nature and a life story which left me in awe. I also think of an executive I met at the same time, who sought to be more nurturing with his family. I am so curious to see how his worldly success will expand, in proportion to the growth in his heart.

Mother to yourself?

“I have a simple philosophy:  Fill what’s empty.  Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.”  – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

However we may want to nurture others, we aren’t able to unless we take care of ourselves. This takes many forms. We all know this, but how many of us live it? Are you a good mother to yourself?

As my month unfolded among neverending client deadlines, computer crashes and other unexpected events, my body demanded it. At times, I felt so drained it was hard to form a sentence. When that happened, I stopped. Re-fueling for me became an imperative.

How do you re-connect? TEN+ IDEAS for you:

Do you meditate? Light candles? Sit quietly in your car before going into a meeting? Book a spa? Burn scented oils? Go for a jog? Do Yoga? Pet your dog? Sit by the water? Call a friend? Tend a garden? Schedule turning off your Blackberry? What a rush!

Mother love

“A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.” – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

The two women I spent Mother’s Day with with are moms to children ranging from age 7 to 26. What I heard: “They don’t belong to me.”, “Teaching them to live without me is my job.” For these moms, motherhood is conscious, loving service in development of another. Even when development means allowing them to work through a struggle themselves. My own mom knew this, too.

“I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.” – George Carlin

In a world riddled with volcanos…the unexpected, unexplained and unapologetic, it’s the connection to what’s deep within ourselves that cradle us. Without it, we remain children at the mercy of those who would gladly drain our energy, take our power and make us slaves.

This doesn’t mean living in isolation. It doesn’t mean wielding swords. But as moms (and luvly nurturing dads) know, children will fall off their bikes. So when on scraped knees… it’s the heart-connections we make, the soul family we build, whose job isn’t to hide away our bikes as if we were infants, but who will lovingly support us as we learn how to ride ourselves. To help us, ultimately, to ride on without them.

Even with the frenetic, unexpected, exhausting events of the past few weeks and more to come… I have created space to be a mother to myself.

And in the process made a lovely discovery!

This Mother’s Day, at the wee cottage we’ve had for over 45 years…my soul family grew.

It’s spring! I’m puttin’ on my helmet and dustin’ off my bike. Join me…

- Karen M. Black, Toronto
MBA, author and karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
www.karenmblack.com

Is it results? Recognition? Title? Productivity? Getting your way? Is it money? (was Bernie Madoff successful?) Marriage and/or children? (is Oprah successful? The Dalai Lama?)

Okay, how about inspiring others and giving back? Was bestselling healer, author and educator M. Scott Peck a success? He reached millions of people. I am one.

Play with me. Decide now: is he?

As you may know, Scott Peck died in 2005. In his final years, he wrote a bit about his personal life. Throughout his marriage, he had many affairs. He admitted that he stopped only because he got prostate cancer. He drank. After 43 years of marriage, his wife left him. When he died at age 69, he was estranged from two of his children. I ask again: was he a success?

To say yes… doesn’t feel complete. Yet to say no is laced with judgement. I love the man’s books. Glad I wasn’t married to him. The two thoughts co-exist. He’s a paradox, as is life. As we all are.

In your family growing up, what was success? What was failure? For you today, what is success? Do these ideas support you in life, or weigh you down?

Do you compare yourself to others? If so, please stop now. When we do this, we compare the outside of others’ lives, with what we feel inside. Apples to oranges.

Neuroses is a substitute for legitimate suffering. – M. Scott Peck

German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) made a valuable observation on the shifting of human views when he stated that all truth goes through three stages:

1. First, it is ridiculed.
2. Second, it is violently opposed.
3. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident.

This is not only true for changes in the world at large, but changes in our hearts. For really, personal change can only be measured, in relation to ourselves.

I remember my own journey to discover my own ‘truth’. First, I thought I was crazy. I did everything I could to avoid, deny and run away. As time went on, I found myself in so much pain, I didn’t know where else to turn. Today, I know that pain was a gift. Today, I know the dots of my life make perfect sense. But that wasn’t always the case. Realizing this was a success, for me. My own quest continues.

“Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems…create our courage and wisdom.” – M. Scott Peck

Do you know who John Bradshaw is? Like Peck, he’s a healer. This week, I watched some videos of his, about our stages of growth as children and how they affect us as adults. A passionate, humble, funny and eloquent speaker. You just know he’s the real deal. Healing his own childhood has been his life’s work. Abandoned by an alcoholic father. A ‘do your duty’ mother. A recovering alcoholic since 1965. He was the family Star, and an out-of-control Caretaker (his words). He’s helped millions. He’s integrated his own ideas into his life and while he tells his stories with humour, you know it hasn’t been easy. His successes continue, into his 70′s.

The many layers of success

Having a purpose, a reason for being comes from inside us first. Why is this important? Because what’s inside us can never abandon us, betray us, leave home, reject us, die or otherwise be taken away. It’s with us… it is us. Ever evolving.

I was asked recently about the ‘glue’ in relationships. Apart from the common answers (like intimacy: ‘into-me-see’), I’d add: Individual and shared purpose. Wanna stick together like Crazy glue? Try on shared legacy. Such is the glue, I believe, of not only relationships, but of our lives.

Success then, is best pondered in layers, relative only to ourselves. The richest relationships, perhaps, are ones which help each of us, nurture and grow new layers of success.

How does your current definition of success play in your life? With your work? Your spouse? Your health? Your emotions? Your children? Are your beliefs about success supportive, or is there room for change? What do you think: Have you had a successful life?

A successful life

A dear friend of mine spoke at the funeral of a 41 year old man a few years back who died suddenly. The man who died was single, and open to meeting someone. He was an architect. He had no kids. He built schools, designed with light and space so that children would thrive. He was a talented painter. He was funny. A good friend. Kind. Connected to animals. This man, my friend concluded, was in life, a success.

My friend is a 76 year-old psychiatrist. The man he was speaking about was his son.

Here’s to *your* success.

- Karen M. Black, Toronto
MBA, author and karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
www.karenmblack.com

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” – Carl Jung

At the moment, I’m taking a ‘branding for solopreneurs’ course taught by a billion dollar UK entrepreneur, who started small, and at one time in her life spent a year in the hospital thinking she could never walk again.

She’s encouraged us to think big. She’s encouraged us to ‘play’. So in my wee War Room (den), I’ve surrounded myself with the things that symbolize who I am, what I believe and what activities give me the most joy. My inner work of the past eight years.

What I’ve noticed is that my ‘big ideas’ didn’t come from ‘out there’… they have been waiting patiently inside me. And each has something to do with a stories of my life.

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” – Oprah Winfrey

You know who Suzanne Somers is, right? She’s been controversial because of her take on healthcare (she’s a cancer survivor). She’s also written 19 books, and is very successful. About her success, she said: “I’ve basically taken my problems, and created businesses around them.”

Think about it: she’s created successful businesses based on her problems.

We’ve all had problems. They all link to one of our life stories. Maybe it’s a Birth story. A Love story. A Career story. A Money story. A Family story. A Health story. Or a hybrid.

Great leaders have a personal story where they’ve overcome. The billionaire Anne McKevitt that spent a year in the hospital thinking she couldn’t walk. Michael J. Fox, comic actor and founder of a Parkinson’s research foundation. Oprah, born into poverty and abuse. I could go on and on.

Back to you. Are you considering your ‘next move’? Look to your own life stories. What have you learned? How might your hard-won wisdom authentically fire-up the venture you’re considering?

What do you want?

It’s a big question that often creates silence and wide-eyes. One that leads to other big questions, in particular: Who are you? What’s important to you? Why?

Why ask?

Over the years, I’ve learned that a career question isn’t really a career question. A family question isn’t really a family question. A love question isn’t a love question. ‘Those people’ and ‘That company’ and ‘My family’ or ‘My kids’ aren’t the issue.

When we peel away the layers… it’s always a ‘Me’ question.

When authentic people speak… whether to one or millions, I get a whole body sensation that vibrates through me. Sometimes there’s goosebumps. Often, tears. 

How could you use what you’ve learned in life to inject new life into your business? How would telling your story to others feed your own heart? What’s your goosebump factor?

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. – Theodore Roosevelt

Still finding your way? What if… You are at this time and place in your life, receiving some wee wake-up calls, because, once you emerge from the struggle, you will have such great gifts to offer. New stories. Yes for your family, and others you love… but potentially, for people down the block. Or maybe even around the world.

How does that feel to you? If it scares you a little… you may be onto something.

However you decide to evolve the stories of your life, my hope is that as we ease our way into spring, you will re-discover through the quiet space of experience… what’s lying clear, unwavering and true within your heart.

For wherever you decide to travel, this is where the juice lies. The juice of your life.

- Karen M. Black, Toronto
MBA, author and karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
www.karenmblack.com

“I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.”  From the television show ‘The Wonder Years’

Funny thing about love. Right now, a number of people close to me are doing the best they can to dissolve their long-term partnerships amicably. Another dear friend is ending a love affair she’s had with her business for ten years, one that’s helped hundreds of people, including me. This same friend told me about how the father of her children is experiencing a personal crisis that may end his life as he and his children know it. He’s in his fifties.

Closer to home, my dear Unca Rick (a.k.a. Dad) is now home safely after a heart attack, which gratefully, he experienced at home where my mom could immediately call 911.

So, in this month of love, with all of this swirling around and inside me, I think not of chocolate bon-bons or lingerie, or the heady expectations of romantic gesture. I think instead of those around me who are honouring their lives, living fully and loving deeply, where they are, even when in great discomfort and change. I’m reminded also of who I’ve been, who I’m becoming and who I’ve loved.

“Immature love says ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.’”  Erich Fromm

I used to have a recurring dream. Sometimes I still do, but less often now. Usually I am traveling in a beautiful land. Sometimes I’m on my own, but more often I’m with friends. I am on my way to a place where I’ve been before. It feels crystal clear in my memory, I can almost taste it.

Though the details change from dream to dream, it’s always a beautiful place, exotic but not tropical, with comfortable and exquisite accommodation. There’s always water close, always some green, and sometimes the place is an island. These places also have the feeling of being ancient. Once I remember a beautiful stone castle.

In the dream, I remember how to get back to this place – almost. Then when I couldn’t find it, I’d get frustrated and feel the beginning of despair. Sometimes, I would wake up with such a feeling of sadness, tears welling, as I realized I couldn’t find my way back.

When I was working with karmic astrologer Linda Brady, I used to record my dreams. I told her about this one and she smiled. ‘You want to go home.’

I teared up. She didn’t mean my condo in the city.

She was right. On some unconscious level, I wasn’t really committed to being on, and loving this earth.

I haven’t had this dream for a while now. I know that it’s because I’m really here, today, in the now, embracing my life and whatever it offers me. I will go ‘home’ again. Yet for now, I step into the earthly flow. I embrace the mystery of it all. I open my heart wider.

Valentines has never been a big deal for me. Love day-to-day, however, is. How it’s experienced, how it’s expressed, how it’s lived in every action. Deeply, truly, the best we can. Kindly, generously, warts and all.

“Home is not where you live [or came from], but where they understand you.”  Christian Morganstern

In this month of commercialized love, I wish you a swell of devotion: toward your own life and those in it, toward your choice to embrace who and where you are today, truly, madly, deeply, warts and all.

All this… PLUS the strength to dive deep when the inevitable tides of change wash in, and the trust that its currents will carry you safely to the places and people on this earth with whom you will feel most at home.

- Karen M. Black, Toronto
MBA, author and karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
www.karenmblack.com

For the third year in a row, I spent New Year’s eve on my own. Saw friends early. Then made a nice meal. Sipped Prosecco and watched Rescue Me (on loan from a friend who spent New Years without her boyfriend happily watching my copy of Six Feet Under). Was in bed by 11:00.

This may sound strange to some, but this choice felt empowering to me. My New Years haven’t always been peaceful, solitary, or empowering.

In my twenties, I cooked for hoards of friends up north at the cottage. Once, I was up until 2:30 a.m. the night before prepping (I have a decadent food streak). I’ve also done the couple-thing. Fondues have a particularly fond place in my memory. These nights were a balance of good friends, good conversation, elegance and intimacy.

Then there were ones I’d prefer to forget. Once as a young woman unhappy with her life, I went out for New Year’s because my friends wanted me to. As the evening went on, I was feeling more and more alone among the party-set: I had to get out.

At midnight, I was driving alone on the highway crying. I couldn’t have articulated it then, but pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t felt excruciating to me. Note the word: Pretending.

“When one is pretending the entire body revolts.” – Anais Nin

Before you think I’m bummed, this happened decades ago. Today I know that these moments of my life served a larger purpose: to nudge me to discover how not to pretend anymore. Isn’t that what growing up is all about? Yet, how many of us as adults pretend the day away, constantly doing what we don’t want to do with people we’d rather not do it with.

Holidays can intensify the good. They can also bring to the surface the icky stuff lurking below. During holidays, joy feels more sweet. Despair is harder to hide. Is it any coincidence that relationships break-up during this time? And even good ones can be strained?

On the other hand, is it any wonder that many engagements are announced? Declarations of love made? There’s a scene in Moondance where one of my main characters watches his wife’s face as she sleeps. In a surreal moment, he believes he sees a rubber mask on her skin. It’s a creepy scene. As friend and facilitator Cynthia Barlow says: ‘it’s really hard to kiss through cardboard.’

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” – James Arthur Baldwin

I remember with great love and compassion now, the young woman who wasn’t always in a great frame of mind over the holidays. The reasons don’t matter now. Perhaps she just broke up with someone. Perhaps it was her job. Perhaps it was the lack of direction in her life, or the lack of belief in herself. Perhaps it was because Pretending became too heavy for her, or perhaps it was a sticky mix of all of the above.

As I fleed from a “woo-hoo” crowd in my twenties, as I wound down my cottage New Years tradition as I approached 30, each time my mask-of-the-day cracked and precipitated change. Ever since then, bit by bit, I’ve been discovering what’s underneath.

Who am I when I’m not Pretending? A person who values solitude, or real connection over small-talk. Someone who makes choices rather than bowing to obligation. Someone who can both be shy, and kinda gutsy. Someone who still cooks for those she loves.

What do I do differently today? I acknowledge that contentment (and misery) is generated from the inside out, not the other way around. Even though I can’t change everything, I can change my relationship toward it. I also appreciate the people in my life more today – because they may not be here next year. Life can be like that.

FOR YOU

Where do you Pretend in your life? Where is your mask the heaviest? Are you ready to drop the extra weight you’re carrying? Of those weighty things you cannot change, how would it feel to consciously choose those things instead of dreading them?

What have a lifetime of New Years’ eves taught you about yourself? What’s working? What would you like to do differently?

“The closing years of life are like a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped” – Arthur Schopenhauer

As the year unfolds, as your pace speeds up, remember how the post-holiday stillness feels. If you want more of that feeling, know that the smallest shifts inside you now, will facilitate decisions with expansive possibility in the coming year.

Wishing you oodles of joy.

- Karen M. Black, Toronto
MBA, author and karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
www.karenmblack.com

But first…

Outside the window, a smudge-black figure crouched under her veranda. A glimpse of (too) white skin as the figure shifted and glanced up toward her. She was emotionally drawn to the figure, her senses were awake. This one felt different than the others.

This was the first paragraph I wrote of Moondance, a scene describing a woman leaning against a window looking out, searching. When I wrote this, I was taken with its shadow. Who was this figure? An intruder? Or helper? Answering these questions became… Moondance. Writing Moondance became… me.

I’ve mentioned my card-reading friend Esther to you before. In her deck is a card called ‘Enemy’. Seeing this card, at first one would think ‘oh no’, who around me is against me? What Esther often explains to clients is that this card often represents the ‘Enemy within’.

“A person’s worst enemy can’t wish on him what he can think up himself.” –Yiddish Proverb

When I first wrote that sticky-creepy scene in 1996, I wasn’t deeply acquainted with my inner saboteur. Today I am. She can be cynical, rigid, perfectionistic and judgemental. Her obsession in life is fiercely protecting the true softness in my heart.

So in the scene I created back then, my confused and heartbroken character leans outside her window on tip-toes, searching for answers. If she just had a flashlight to see. If only the figure would tell her the secrets of life, better yet, forecast her future. If only…

She reached for the window latch, she wanted to see, and his hands, usually so gentle, threw her to the floor. His voice was patient.
“Not this way.”
“How?”
“You know.”

Go green-eyed man (the mysterious figure that nearly drives her insane and sets up some interesting plot twists). He may or may not be real, but he’s right. It’s not what’s (or who’s) outside that will stop you. It’s what’s inside. It’s not what’s (or who’s) outside that will save you either: it’s what’s inside your heart that will.

Most of us know that. Do you live it?

As I walk this winding path of reinvention, I do pay attention to what’s outside. The people I meet, the conversations I have, my dreams, my hunches, the serendipity of it all, sure. What I’m finding though, is that the biggest ‘ah hahs’ have come from seeing what’s already inside me in a new way.

MINING WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW

I did a week long retreat last March called the Joy Class with dear friend Cynthia Barlow. Like kids in kindergarten, we created our own ‘heart-maps’. Mine is layered with handmade Japanese paper. It chronicles my heart’s journey. In its centre, it succinctly describes the energy inside me which, when harnessed, brings me joy:

“Generous bestower of eclectic insights”

How mundane is that? But it’s me. It’s what I naturally love to do. I find things I believe in (and they ARE eclectic) and I share them, generously. Just because I adore giving others ideas to pick up, examine, and discern for themselves. So when I write IDEAS, when I pass along a site or resource I’ve found… THAT is what brings me joy!

WHAT MAKES *YOU* UNIQUE?

Are you in the process of reinvention? What activities give you a joy-jolt? Ask friends what you’re doing when you’re happiest. Their answers might surprise you.

Found the work you love? Want to crank it up a notch? Maybe something that you’re passionate about in your personal life… will make you unique in your business.

I’m thinking now of a lawyer friend and award-winning blogger Garry Wise who did a professional talk recently, and ended up fielding enthusiastic questions about his other love, recording music. Or my financial planner Paul Shirer, who runs marathons.

“The biggest mistake people make in life is not trying to make a living at doing what they most enjoy.” — Malcolm Forbes

As part of my Commitment last month (THANKS to those of you wrote to say you related) I’m developing an online business which will pull all these things together for me. It’s not a quick or easy solution, but after some research, including speaking with others who’ve gone through it, I trust the process.

HOLIDAYS WITH HEART

Well, this didn’t turn out to be much of a holiday issue, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish you and your families the best.

I’ll be heading up north to spend some time with my folks and between yummy meals, will work away under the glow of the cottage fireplace, my heart-map at my side: a beacon and a reminder.

Here’s to what YOU already know. Have a fabulous New Year.

- Karen M. Black, Toronto
MBA, author and karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
www.karenmblack.com

“When you clench your fist, no one can put anything in your hand, nor can your hand pick up anything.” – Alex Haley

Earlier this month, I attended Ali Brown’s event, Shine, in Las Vegas. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. Once I realized my plans for the event were kaput, that I had spent $3,000 to hear what I already knew, I decided to get over myself, and figure out why I was drawn there.

I was seeking a hands on workshop. I got light inspirational talk, light biz content and up-sell. I sought to develop a hands-on plan with the help of outside experts. What I received was the inner space to generate ideas for an emerging business and a deep commitment and resolve to make it happen.

I’ve noticed that the most significant leaps of growth in my life have come to me through the ‘back door’. Perhaps it’s because my soul knows that if it came directly, I might analyze the magic out of it.

“Flexibility, as displayed by water, is a sign of life. Rigidity, its opposite, is an indicator of death.” – Anthony Lawlor

In 1994, I worked for the only Canadian insurer to go bankrupt. During that unsettling time, a friend picked up a Rotman MBA brochure and literally threw it at me. Another helped me painstakingly hone my application until I wanted to kill her. I hand delivered it on the day it was due, and was one of the last two people to be accepted. When I learned that I got in, against all odds, I cried for hours.

At my last full-time job, I knew I needed to make a change. I was so committed, that I gave my notice before I had somewhere to go (smart huh?). After numerous interviews, one felt like a shoe-in. Then like fairy dust, it disappeared. The day after I knew I was sunk, a friend called to hire me for freelance. I had always wanted to do freelance, but that dream was ‘sometime in the future’. He was my first client.

“Change is not something you do, it is something you allow.” – Will Garcia

I spent a year pitching Moondance and got nada. Then I attended a book launch with a friend and I met Arnold, who first helped me self-publish and then became my agent. Though I don’t yet have a book deal, I have won a number of awards for Moondance and readers like it. Instead of defeat, I’ve chosen to hear encouraging whispers.

Again and again, in the midst of my collapsing ‘plans’ emerged the unexpected. When I grabbed on to what was offered and REALLY committed (where every cell in my body was engaged in a white hot fury of resolve) that’s when I got results.

At Shine, what I was seeking was concrete direction. What I got was space to make up my mind about my life. You know how I know I’m committed? I’ve cried more in the past few days than in the past year. This isn’t a pity-party, so don’t send me empathetic emails! I’m crying because I know that in every stage of growth, there is also a letting go.

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” – Peter F. Drucker

We’re filled with wants, desires and expectations and plans. Do you turn away from the gifts in your life that don’t exactly match your plan? Or do you listen to your soul’s whispers, and accept the good that’s offered, knowing that what your soul wants for you maybe be bigger than you could imagine (and on a different timeline)?

Make sure you don’t go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won’t laugh at you. – Jim Rohn

I’ll go out on a limb here. I believe that NOT saying yes to those positive, unexpected opportunities is like saying ‘funk you’ to the universe (insert your word).

In Moondance, I write about a couple who had ‘a plan’ for their marriage. But things didn’t turn out according to plan. They ignored the signs and created pain and chaos. Which makes for great drama, but not a great life.

How do we know if we’re ready for change? Inside it feels like 60% ‘woo hoo’ and 40% ‘eeyikes’. The overall feeling is a lifting up. I go to great lengths in Moondance to describe the body sensations of my characters. Clues we all have access to.

“If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.” – Albert Einstein

My commitment: I will pay attention when I get goose bumps. I will let go of what’s weighing me down. I’ll dream big. I’ll embrace the good. I’ll give this my very best shot.

Yup, Shine was more fluff than hard content, but it got me going. The pieces are shining through, one by one. Kinda like a cosmic-neon jigsaw puzzle.

Eerily, looking more and more like Vegas.

- Karen M. Black, Toronto
MBA, author and karmic astrologer
Moondance: an addictive spin on life, love and the nature of reality
www.karenmblack.com